"The Verb 'to be' Never Takes an Object"

 

"What we do not call education is more precious than that which we call so."

-- Emerson

We recently picked up a copy of this book at the local library sale, and it brought two thoughts to mind.  The first was, where you when I needed you?  If I had gone through this thoroughly in high school, how much easier and clearer those English classes would have been.  You need context to learn something.   Emerson again: "No man can learn what he has not preparation for learning."  

The second thought was, what moments or books or teachers stand out in your memories of formal education (after all these years)?  That one is easy for me.  Mrs. Neidermayer at Tuckahoe Junior High School, who said emphatically that if we took one thing from her English class it should be that rule about the verb 'to be.'  Her combination of sternness and self-deprecating humor endeared her to my immature little heart.  Although Mrs. N didn't know it, she also launched me on a lifelong (so far) interest in the origin and meaning of sur- and place-names when she said her own name meant "lowland farmer."  I had no idea at the time that names meant anything or so often have fascinating histories.  Go ahead, ask me what the -ez ending on Hispanic names means.

I also remember Dr. See and Dr. Blake fondly from college -- and almost no one else except for the Art History professor whose class was nothing but a treat.  Jansen's History of Art, the large and expensive textbook, was the only one of all those in four years I should have kept forever.  But, I had to sell it in order to eat that week.  At least one thing I had learned by then was to be pragmatic. 

The best textbook I do have, though, also acquired a few months ago at the library sale, is an 1871 volume, A Brief History of the United States.  I haven't seen all U.S. history texts, of course, but I doubt it has been surpassed.  Not many of us will re-read any of our old schoolbooks, ever, but I'll probably go through it again one of these days. 

So, Mrs. Neidermayer, wherever you are, know that your work was appreciated and lives on.

        

More Jibber-Jabber

 

272 words -- that's all of the Gettysburg Address.  The previous orator went on for two hours.  Who better said what the occasion called for?

No lesson learned, though:  today's fresh hell is podcasts.  Easily available technology has enabled over two million more gasbags to be broadcasting than we ever needed.   And the U.S. has about half of the worldwide listeners.  I'll admit there are many more blogs, but they're not the hot thing anymore (as this one with between 10 and 20 readers proves).  

Joe Rogan's is the number one 'cast, but he's just another in a long line of radio shock jocks like Stern and Limbaugh back to Father Coughlin.  Same drivel, different package.  The others in the top five are more intelligent, so we can take some comfort in that.

Beyond being another form of self-expression, there is money in this.  Podcast ads work:  $2 billion in revenue last year, and 60% of listeners bought something.

TED Talks are wisely limited to 18 minutes in length, enough time to make your point without going on and on.   Some of what are overlong and pointless: sports talking heads, the screaming money guy, evangelists, and chat shows like "The View" and the many morning and late night ones on each network.  And...infomercials, looonng home improvement company ads, and almost everyone you see texting and talking on their smart phones beyond any reasonable need.  Of course, people are free to speak and to listen to all this, but I can't understand why.

 I am going to do my part and shut up now.

Escape Velocity

 

It was nearly midnight, and while an episode of "Rumpole of the Bailey" murmured on the Talking Pictures television channel, Richard Troup, M.D. retired, was lost in a very pleasant daydream though day was long over.  He had put a deposit down on a holiday in the eastern Mediterranean, where he would soon be on a terrace overlooking the Aegean from Rhodes, the water a kaleidoscope of unnameable blues and greens, with just the right sprinkling of jolly cotton-white clouds drifting by.  He would make the acquaintance of an olive-complected lady, worldly, distant, even dismissive at first.  One could see in her visage the heredity of centuries:  Greek, Roman, Anatolian, maybe some ancient Phoenician.  Things to guess, not to know.

The phone was ringing, rudely evaporating his reverie.   What now?  A distressed-sounding son Arthur needed him, he said, and could he bring a certain sum of cash?  He gave the location to meet but no further explanation.  Click. No lawyers or guns? 

There was, of course, only one source of cash (not only at this hour but due to circumstances Richard faced these days after the divorce):  the holiday fund.  He was going to enjoy spending it on a delightful trip since, as it had been built up from his cash-paying private patients, and neither ex-wife nor the Revenue  had any knowledge of it.  One had to keep some things for one's self.  Well, maybe not.

Next door, Mrs. Swann was also up unusually late due to the Agatha Christie in her hands.  There was little point in going to bed before the ending -- how could there be any sleep!  Neighbor Dr. Troup's headlights swept an arc by the window.  What could that be about? she thought, always on the alert for an intriguing story.  Turning her attention back to the old paperback, she would at least find out what the deadly party guest was really up to.   Mrs. Swann had been up to something herself, with a mortifying, but not mortal, result.

 Upon Richard's arrival at the old church he drily called Our Lady of Modest Aspirations, the man present (who most closely resembled a potato)  explained the situation while Arthur kept silent and fiancee Helena glared.  Arthur, a freelance advertising rep for several local publications by day, ardently pursued his passion, a music career, at most other times.  He had recently convinced this promoter (instant relief at this revelation -- not a kidnapper, drug dealer or loan shark) that he would bring enough of a crowd to bigger venues beyond Cranleigh village -- Barnstable and Woking, for example, then on to London -- to make an investment in him worthwhile.  Ever the salesman! thought Richard.  The crowds had not appeared.

"I should have known better, even with a signed contract; I'll admit it.  But I'm out a considerable amount.  Considerable.  You can make it -- some of it, anyway -- good or I can go public with a civil suit.  My lawyer has had these want-to-bes for breakfast before."

Richard, after a frozen moment of hesitation, handed over a thick envelope.  

"Well call it even, then," the potato allowed.  "Best not to say another word, all of us."

After a straight gaze lasting several seconds directed at Arthur, the promoter got in his small van and headed back home, smacking both his forehead and the steering wheel.

"I am beyond embarrassed," Arthur said to his father.  "And I just wrecked everything, Hels.  I'm so sorry."

"Yes, you are!  And don't call me 'Hels' ever again! I hate it.  Better -- don't call me again at all."  She would have thrown her engagement ring in his face before she stomped over to Richard's car, if she'd had one.  It looks like none of us is going anywhere but home.

Mr. Swann, retired from HM Revenue and Customs, happily spent time working on the detailed Waterloo diorama which had taken over the den and at The Richard Onslow with his mates.  The silence around the house discomfited his wife not so much in itself, but did allow for too much solitary time for regret.  After years at the newspaper writing articles that quickly ended up in dustbins, she, in retirement, finally finished her mystery novel (with some added romance threaded in) and her agent got to a publisher.  

Then the roof fell in, or so it felt.  Her manuscript was rejected; some junior reader there found it was too similar to one of Emma Frances Dawson's short stories.  She could not argue her case.  It was.  The rare, obscure 19th Century volume she had found in a village used bookstore should not have been known to anyone anymore.  What luck.

Mrs. Swann had an even grander plan than a big city book signing or two.  With the proceeds from what she was sure would be at least a modest success, she was going to visit a good friend from youth who was now living in Queensland.  Tropical trees, flowers and birds...

Having to tell her husband she was not going to be published (carefully editing out the reason why), or going to Queensland, was deflating.

"Well, we can all just enjoy who we are where we are," was Mr. Swann's honest attempt at comfort.  Ugh.  Old Sartre got it right.

 

Warrior Princess

 

A local high school senior wrote a newspaper essay recently about the problem of women in history still being passed over or getting very few words in books and articles written by men.  We're missing out on true stories that make mass-market fictional characters look pale by comparison.  Let's take the Way Back Machine to a thousand years ago to meet "the closest approximation in history to a Valkyrie."*

Lombard princess Sikelgaita of Salerno (Italy)  was titled the Duchess of Apulia when she became the second wife of the Norman Duke Robert Guiscard.  He divorced first wife Alberada to make this union, and he could not have found a closer equal.  Guiscard was called "the weasel;" despite the nickname he was anything but, being much more like a Kodiak bear.  "He had a thoroughly villainous mind...was a man of immense stature...his bellow put thousands to flight.," according to a contemporary Byzantine account.   Not content with his domain in southern Italy, after taking Bari, the last Italian outpost of the shrinking Byzantine Empire , he crossed the Adriatic to begin a conquest of the rest of it.

Sikelgaita was right by his side in all her six feet of armored glory, charging into the battle for the port city of  Dyrrhachium shouting, long hair streaming, a real life Brunnhilda and true daughter of Wotan.  When the Anglo Saxon axemen in the employ of the defending Byzantine Emperor boldly attacked the mounted Norman knights, sending them running (they were still pretty ticked off about the Norman conquest of their England fifteen years earlier),  "Gaita" loudly called on her horsemen to return:  "Stand and fight like men!"   When that did not have an effect, she seized a spear and took after them.  Shamed or inspired, they returned and destroyed every one of the Saxons.

Guiscard had to abandon the invasion to deal with rebellion at home.  Gaita accompanied him on his return three years later to trash the Empire again.  And once again Fate intervened to stop his victorious advance, when Robert and many of his army succumbed to a typhoid epidemic.  His loyal wife and warrior was with him until the end.

That was not all Sikelgaita was, although she had even commanded a successful siege of the city of Trani by herself.  She had also studied medicine in the most advanced school of the time, and somehow found time to have eight children! 

After spending time in religious seclusion in the Abbey of Monte Cassino, the princess, duchess and general died five years after Robert.  

Maybe Sikelgaita should return to educate some male writers (this one gets a pass).

_________________________

*from author John J. Norwich

        

Das Rad

 

Though the child's year is slow

And the aged one's runs fast,

Serf and king alike must go

All that lives must pass.

Some Wise Guys

 

"These may be platitudes, but they are framed in wit, the swift phrase firmly lodged in the brain."  -- Louis Untermeyer

From distant Epictetus to Washington (Rules of Civility) and Franklin, to the more contemporary Ambrose Bierce,  Mark Twain, H.L. Mencken and Will Rogers, aphorists and writers of epigrams have surely been better guides to ethics and living than those who suck up our airspace such as celebrities,  economists, evangelists, dunces and murderous dictators.

A while back, we took a look at another gem of this genre, The Wisdom of Amenemopet from ancient Egypt.  I had not heard of this before; it's always surprising to discover how the more you know about a subject you discover how much more you don't know.  It would have been a much better use of time to have read this in school rather than Great Expectations.

And I had never heard of Balthazar Gracian's The Art of Worldly Wisdom either.  This volume of 300 maxims was published in 1647 by Gracian, a Jesuit teacher and preacher, under a pseudonym as with all of his other books but one, because his sort of Rabelaisian satire and irreverence was not appreciated by his employer.  After he read a "letter" supposedly sent by the Devil from the pulpit, however, he pushed the unamused Church too far and was censured and sent into internal exile.  Gracian won this tiff in the end; his Wisdom was a best seller in both 1892 and 1992!  Some examples:

-- Never compete with someone who has nothing to lose

-- A synonym is a word you use when you cannot spell the right one

-- Never open a door to a lesser evil for other and greater ones slink in after it

-- A single lie destroys a whole reputation of integrity

-- The wise at once does what the fool does at last

-- Dreams will get you nowhere; a good kick in the pants will take you a long way

-- Every fool stands convinced...the faultier a person's judgement the firmer the convictions (T. S. Eliot completely agreed)

-- Always act as if you were seen...if you can't be good be careful

-- Politeness is the chief sign of culture (That one's for you, Canada)

***

And from our more misanthropic and cynical countrymen:

Bierce:  He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity

Twain:  Never refuse to do a kindness unless the end would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances

Rogers: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock

Mencken:  Puritanism --  the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy

Wit and wisdom make a perfect cocktail.

   

  

DTRT

 

I once mentioned to a co-worker, just as idle conversation, that I had observed there were usually from one to three churches on most corners of a city that was (and still is) awash in violence and crime, and it looked like no one was learning a whole lot on Sundays.   He did not like that much, stating that "church is for sinners."  I thought "wha...?" but said (and this was the wrong thing to do, judging from his reaction) one could ignore the twisting toils of religion and philosophy by substituting four words:  Do The Right Thing.  

But...while that should prevent a lot of bad behavior if practiced,  I have found it often does not work out too well for you.   

Once while I was picking up car wreck litter on the boulevard -- it is banked the wrong way and about once a month a speeding car goes off the road into the drainage area or hops the median.  Someone stopped and accused me of being the driver who made the mess and wanted my information.  A block closer to home, I once picked up some litter caught by a parked car's wheels (the wind always blows on trash day); the owner came out of his house, followed me home, and demanded to know what I was doing to his car.

Many years ago during a very bad snow and ice storm, I received a frantic call from the person on duty at the radio station where we worked.  The studio had moved to the middle of nowhere behind a farm and was no treat to get to, especially at night.  He had been trapped there long beyond his shift, probably quite hungry, and needed me to relieve him.  It would not have been right to not help, so I headed out in my mother's car with bald recapped (remember those?) rear tires.  On the way, a VW was sitting at the bottom of an icy hill with no brake lights on.  Too late, I realized it was not moving; it did move when I slid into it.  A bogus "neck pain" law suit later, I found my insurance cancelled and had to give up my own new car (not the accident one).  No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Away from vehicular to-dos, there are many more examples, which I will spare you, except for these:  I found a Social Security card near the local library on a walk.  I returned home, got on the computer and found an address for it, walked back and returned it, asking if this was the right residence.   The man who answered was extremely suspicious and unfriendly, but carefully took the card before shutting the door quickly.  That was sure worth all the effort.  And once I complimented a stressed mother (a relative) who was dealing with a shrieking toddler at a big noisy event just with the motivation to make her feel a little better.  Big mistake, as it was taken the wrong way.  No more unsolicited encouragement from me anymore!

I don't know why things play out this way.  Despite the evidence, I still think DTRT is a valid common-sense guide.  That ol'  karma is tricky, though.